Infatuations and Frustrations..

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changes, confused, faith, happy, heartbreak, infatuation, issues, life, lonely, love, my story, relationships, sad, sadness, soulmate, stagnant, the one, thoughts, today, vent

How do you know when someone is your “the one”? How do you figure that out with millions of people out there in the world. How do you know that the one specific person that you are in love with, is the perfect person for you? I always seem to be stuck on love, what can I say? I’m a sucka for love. I cant deny it, I fall fast and I fall hard. Real hard. Sometimes maybe even too hard, and for the wrong people. So, how am I supposed to know when I have finished wasting my time and finally met the person with whom I will spend the rest of my life with? I wont say the person that I am going to marry because I have been there and done that and believe me when I say that marriage is not important to me anymore. So what if we don’t go and file tedious paperwork, trust me the paperwork for getting a divorce is much worse. I feel that I could definitely come off as a pessimistic, depressing, always trying to figure her life out type of person and in all honesty, that’s exactly who I am. I am stagnant. Never moving forward in my life, in any aspect of my life. How do I know when someone is the right person for me? I guess I can never know for certain. The only thing that I know for certain is that when I love, I will love unconditionally. When I fall in love, I lose control, I lose myself in the whirlwind of amazing emotions that I feel and honestly do not completely understand. Emotion explosions like fireworks on the fourth of July. Emotions deep, passionate, and yet confusing all in one. When I love, I become this completely different person who does not care to be hurt, does not care what might go wrong as long as she is with that person. That special someone who can make my day every single day, and make my world a better place, just by gracing me with their presence. When I love, I forget about my sorrows, I sacrifice things that should not be sacrificed. I love to the point that it hurts.. It hurts me. It hurts me but the sole feeling of being in love can reverse even the slightest pain that I have ever felt. I give myself, all of myself, without even thinking about it. In a fraction of a second I will do whatever it takes to make this person happy. Maybe this is why I have become a pessimistic, depressing, always trying to figure her life out type of person. I give myself, everything I have to offer to someone in hopes that they will care enough to not hurt me. I give my heart in hopes that it will not break. I am stagnant. Never moving forward in love. Stagnant. Never finding true happiness within myself because I find my happiness within others. Pushing my feelings to the side, finding myself preoccupied. TOO busy for myself. I think about this so much, almost every day. What can I do to make myself happy. What can I do to just keep myself a priority? How can I love myself as much as I love him. Love always finds its ways to take its toll on me and I am not so completely sure that I hate it as much as I say that I do. One day I will find that balance but that day is not today..

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Undergrad Rants

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aa, alcohol, alcoholism, amazing, bittersweet, changes, confused, divorce, faith, grateful, happiness, happy, hate, issues, life, live, love, miracle, miss, mom, my story, new life, peace, realizations, relationships, sad, sadness, thoughts, today, truth, vent, wisdom

I cannot even remember the last time that I have written on here. A lot of time has passed and a lot of things have happened which bring me to where I am today. I think that the last time I wrote it was about heart ache or something of the sorts. With time, I was able to heal and become a better version of me in many ways. Although, I still struggle to be happy and to truly be content with my life as it is right now.

It makes me happy thinking that I have come this far, though. I felt lost in the place that I was a couple of years ago. Lost in time; stagnant. But I realized my worth and was able to move on and appreciate what I had already. I stopped focusing on what I did not have or what I had lost and I began my journey to recovery. My journey to sobriety and an education. It took me long enough. 

Although my education came first, later I stepped into the path of being sober. I realized that I could achieve so much more than what I was doing at the time (complacently working at a bank full time for about four years then). I knew that I had to get myself out of there, I was miserable. It did take some nudging for me to realize that I am more than what I have been doing with my life. I have potential. I applied to my local community college and with the help of my amazing counselors, I was able to establish a good schedule and they sent me on my way. The next two years were a wild ride through the education system. I changed my major early on in my educational career from nursing to psychology. It was the best decision that I could have ever made. I realized that I was in nursing for the money and not because it was something that I felt passionate about and actually enjoyed. It was a hard decision to make, but I did it and I have no regrets. At least, not yet anyway..

So I know what I want to do with my education, now what about my life. I was slowly drinking myself away without even realizing. But one day I had an epiphany moment you can say, and this was after my other entry when I documented going to an AA meeting. That time was a hard time for me but it was not enough to keep me off. I continued to drink endlessly. I got to a point where I was drinking almost every day, pretty unhealthy, right? So I decided in December 2018 that I would stop drinking for good. I took my last drink on December 2018 about half an hour before the new year and I made it a New Years resolution to not drink that whole year. I had tried this the year before and I got through a couple days before I had my first drink of the year. I was scared. Was I going to be able to do this? Alcohol became something that was normal to me, it was a coping mechanism, it was my antidepressant for so long, I was not sure if I would be able to go through with it.. It is November 19, 2019 and I haven’t drank since. I feel accomplished and so proud of myself. I knew that enough was enough and I had to do this not only for myself, but for my son and my family.

It is November 19, 2019 and I am writing this entry as a student of UC Merced. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be in the position that I am today. I feel successful and like I am winning at life.  Almost two years sober and into my first semester as a third year on my way to receiving my bachelors in Psychology. I am grateful, beyond words. Even though this semester has been tough, I would not have it any other way. I feel privileged to be writing this today and to any of you out there who think it is ever too late to return school or to turn your life around, it is not! You’ve got this! You can do anything that you put your mind to… Just take a look at me.

What’s the point?

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asshole, betrayal, bittersweet, broken, changes, confused, courage, disappointments, emptiness, God, hate, heartache, heartbreak, heartbroken, issues, lonely, love, mom, mom problems, mom struggles, moms, motherhood, my story, one of those nights, realizations, sad, sadness, sleep deprived, soul search

I don’t really know exactly what I am writing today and I don’t really know exactly what I am trying to say but I know that writing helps me not think of bad things. Bad things that could potentially change my life. I know that writing is an escape for me. It helps me digest things in a different manner than I am used to, or have been used to. I have sometimes wondered what the hell is the point of me being here? Why am I still here? If I am nothing but miserable. I cry when I am alone, and even when I am not. I am not happy. I see my son and he gives me strength on good days and some days he makes me feel worse. Is that a horrible thing to say? I do not know what my purpose in life is and I know it is not just going to be given to me on a fortune cookie but sometimes I feel like I serve no purpose. I serve no purpose at all. I am not good enough. I don’t even know what the hell I am doing with my life. What am I supposed to be doing? Why am I such a shitty person? Why do my parents hate me? Why? Why am I such a shitty parent? My mom says that my son got two shitty parents and that she feels sorry for him and the parents that God chose for him. She says I am a shitty mom, daughter, and person in general. Why did God make me this way? Why does she have to have me in her house which is everything that she did not ask for. Why does she hate me so much? Why cant I be what she wanted? I feel like I am such a disgrace to her and I believe everything that she says. Beginning with me being a horrible parent. Some days I cant even bare the idea of leaving my room, much less, the house. She does not understand me. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and not do a thing. I don’t want to clean. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to even wake up. Much less do as she says. This angers her and this is when her abuse begins. She tells me that I am ungrateful, lazy, and dirty. She says I am a horrible mother, and that my son deserves better. Why does she hate me so much? I don’t think I will ever understand her and she will definitely never understand me. So why does she have to be so evil towards me? I don’t think I will ever understand her logic and I know that she will never understand me. Its hard to feel and be misunderstood. Its hard to live a life feeling that you are worth nothing, to anyone. Especially to the person who is supposed to love you the most…

Imperfection

To not have anybody who understands you is probably the worst thing,.. I won’t ever be perfect. I won’t be the perfect person, daughter, mom, friend, I won’t ever be. I know it. I know my life isn’t what I would have wanted it to be and I know that it definitely isn’t what my family wants it to be. I think that they maybe pretend feel like they somehow understand. I feel like they want to understand, but can’t.

A letter to my ex best friend,..

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bestfriend, besties, enemies, Friendship, happiness, hate, heartbreak, ilovehim, life, love, lust, nightowl, peace, sadness, thestruggle, wisdom

This ones for you. The person who tore me apart when all I asked for was a shoulder to cry on. All I needed was someone to be there for me when I most needed them. A person who was selfless and had no judgment toward my actions. No judgment towards my life,.. My mistakes. My passions. No judgment towards me. Or us. What we were 0r what we could have become. This ones for you because all I asked of you was to be my best friend. We imagined how things were going to be in the years to come, we imagined how things would be in the months to come, weeks, even days. We knew each other inside and out. Everything. We knew our weaknesses, our strengths. We knew how to make each other laugh, and cry, how to push each other’s buttons. Although, we never did. I never did. I was there so selfless to our friendship. To you,.. To everything that we were. I was ready to be by your side. I was ready to be your best friend. Your best “man” at your future wedding,.. As much as you were ready to be mine. What went wrong? I loved you. So much. I thought that I knew you. I thought that we were better than that. Better than all of the lust, the gossip, the negative vibes. I know, perhaps, I may have hurt you. I know that maybe you wanted more. I know that you wanted more. You were selfish. You didn’t want me and you didn’t want anyone else to have me. You didn’t want me to be happy, you wanted to find your own happiness in my sadness. You told me that you wouldn’t ever leave me. That you would be there forever. You lied. You took yourself, along with part of my heart and soul, and you ran with them. You cut me off.  You neglected our friendship all because you felt different.. You felt like if you couldn’t have me then you didn’t want to have me at all in any way shape or form. And that breaks me. That broke me. That made me feel like I was nothing to you. How could someone who speaks so great of you and loves you so much just leave? Just leave and leave no trace. Leave no room for question. Leave so unexpectedly when I need them most. When I’m trying to find myself.. And now I’m left trying to find you. Trying to find you and not succeeding. Trying to find you and finding myself more alone than ever. Trying to find you and finding that you were in no way looking for me. Trying to find you and you locked the doors behind you. Trying to find you and losing myself. Losing myself in search of the person I once told all my secrets to. Losing myself for someone in which I have lost myself while I was with them; in a mesmerizing state of happiness. Now overwhelmed in a deep state of sadness. A state of sadness because you are not what you made yourself seem to be. I find myself baffled by the situation that became of us. We were once best friends, and now we are strangers. I feel like I know you, while at the same time not knowing who you are. Left with nothing. You took it all. You took my love for you when you left me all alone. You took my respect for you when you disrespected me. You took my image of you. I don’t know who you are anymore. I don’t know who you have become. I can’t help but wonder if it was me, the person who changed you. Or was it me, the person who finally led you to show your true colors. You can’t just leave me and then come back and act like nothing ever happened. I have feelings. I’m not made of stone. I’m not at all that person that you can just up and leave when times get rough. I’m that person that you should have been able to talk to, connect with, reason with. I’m that person that could have held it down for you when things got rough. I’m that person that you don’t treat the way you treated. I’m the person you want back. That person you wish you had again. That person isn’t here anymore,.. That person has changed. Thanks to you.  
Xoxo

My first class

I left work early because I was not in a state of mind where I felt I could handle being there. I looked up meetings around my area and I found one that worked for me before I had to pick my son up from the baby sitters. I feel great. I feel like I actually did something for myself and I am going a step in the right direction. Although I did sit there fidgeting with my fingers, so nervous that I would get called on to speak. I was scared. Scared shitless. I didn’t get called upon today but it made me want to go back. It made me want to get called upon so I can share my story with others. I felt complete when I left the meeting. I felt accomplished and happy. I know that I can overcome this disease. Day 1 for me. And I am so extremely proud to say it. 

Cruel Realizations

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aa, alcohol, alcoholics, alcoholism, grateful, it will get better, love, realizations, today

I cry because I have a problem. A problem that many people don’t see, or choose not to see. A problem that I want to overcome. I was at my desk about to start on some training that is due by next week and I found myself on my phone, distracted. On my phone looking up “Alcoholic Anonymous” groups near me. I burst into tears as I sat there at my desk. Tears of confusion, sadness, pity, and embarrassment. How did I get to where I am today? What is wrong with me? I have a problem. I realized this today. Every other day I would joke about it, I would brush it off to the back of my mind and drink some more to try and forget about it. Forget about everything. But today, today was different. Today I realized that I need to get myself under control. I need to figure myself out. I need to start somewhere, I need to start today. I have a child, and for him I will do whatever it takes. Last night I put myself in a dangerous situation where I had him in the car with me after having drank a moderate amount alcohol. I thought of him while I input “Alcoholics Anonymous” into my search bar. I thought of him and only him and the mere thought that something could have happened to him last night destroys me. I was irresponsible. If something would have happened to him I would DIE. I can’t keep putting him at risk. I have to do this for him. I simply don’t matter at this point. Only he does. For him I will prove myself wrong and stop. I will become a better mother for the sake of him. How did I get to this point? How did I let myself go like this? I turned drinking into a realm of dreams. A realm where nothing bad happens and a realm where all of my problems disappeared. Little did I know, was that these problems will only get pushed back more and more with each drink, with each bottle. Little did I know that these problems would come raging at me today as I sat in front of my desk this morning. The problems eased their way back into reality. I realized that what I had was a problem. It is something that some people don’t believe in because it’s not that hard to just not drink. Realize that it is. It is extremely hard and it will eat you alive and consume you, the idea of not having another. Today I realized that I have a problem. Today I realized that I want to be sober. I need to be sober. For myself. For my child. For my family. I need to change my ways because these problems are weighing me down. I need to grab them by the neck and handle them. I need to stop pushing them back, brushing them off. There’s only so much I can do before they come and consume me. I need to get it right. Today marks the first day of the rest of my life. 

I thank god for my supportive brother. I ran to the bathroom after I burst into tears at my desk and cried. I’m actually still sitting here over an hour later. Crying. I came into the bathroom to be alone but I knew I had to call someone. I called him, and although he didn’t answer right then. He called me back and I cried to him. Telling him about my problem. Telling him that I need to get through this and crying because I feel like I am alone in it. I feel like a failure. He stopped me, he supported me in every way possible. And I love him dearly for that. Because he could have easily rejected the fact that I am an alcoholic. He could have said I am crazy and that we all like to drink just cause but he don’t have a problem. He supported me and for that I am grateful. 

I am me. I am free.

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beautiful, bittersweet, broken, bye felicia, divorce, divorced, divorcee, final judgment, happiness, happy, heartbreak, heartbroken, its over, life, life happens, live, love, love life, lust, marriage, marriage issues, new chapter, new life, sad, soulmates

  
These past three years of my life have been a real life roller coaster.. I have had many ups and downs, possibly more downs than ups. I’ve gone through so so many things that a lot of people don’t ever have to go through. I’ve gone through love, heartache, happiness, sadness, a huge mixture of emotions throughout the past couple of years. A huge mixture of bullshit and happiness. Today is a special day for me. A defeat in a sense. I get to walk away from it all. I get to leave all of that energy behind me, in the past. Essentially, it is in the past. It’s there but it has been haunting me recently. I felt trapped, handcuffed to it all. To all of that energy, those vibes. Today I get to leave all of that behind me and have it stay there. Have it stay there for good. Have it be there and have it not wreck my mind. Have it there and not lose sleep over it, no more crying. No more late nights, no more drowning my past in alcohol. Trying to forget. Today I will receive my final judgment for my divorce. Yes, all of that is in the past but this is an amazing feat for me. I have been carrying all of this baggage around with me. Carrying it as it got heavier and heavier. Today I get to let go. I get to release all of those emotions, all of those nightmares that I had in the past. I get to be free. I get to start a new chapter in my life. I get to leave all of this behind me and learn from my past. My past mistakes. I have lived and I have learned. I have learned so much in the past couple of years. And from today forward I will apply what I have learned in the past to my future. I have changed so much in the past couple of years and I am thankful of that. Today I am divorced.

I am officially a free woman.

And I cannot stop smiling because I have done all of this on my own. I have started this alone and I am ending this alone. With the help of no one, aside from the people of the court. I have started and finished my judgment on my own. I feel so proud of myself. Proud because besides procrastinating for the longest time I didn’t ever give up. I took some time off from this but today I am finally going to get my happy ending that I so deeply wished for.

Don’t get me wrong, I am also deeply heartbroken. Heartbroken because I would have never imagined that I would be in this predicament. I never imagined that I would have a failed marriage. I never imagined that I would be so unhappy with my life and my relationship. It is definitely a bittersweet experience but an experience nonetheless. A learning experience that turned into a journey for me. A journey for me to be able to find myself. A journey that tested me in so many different levels and capacities. I may have been near my breaking point at so many points in time throughout it all, but I never broke down. I never let it break me. I pulled on through and here I am today with many battle scars and wounds in my heart to show for it all. This day marks the closing of a chapter in my life and the beginning of a new one.

A better one.

Time to get my pen out and start writing..

Only God knows.

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amazing, God, god loves me, god loves you, hate, heartbreak, issues, life, lonely, love, love yourself, relationships, rise, soul search, trials and tribulations, wreck, wrecked

  

God Only Knows. But what if he was too late ? What if you feel like you are already a wreck. What if you feel as if you are at rock bottom, at a point where you already have been torn apart by life. Let alone by the people that surround you. What are we to do? How am I supposed to feel right now? How do I get out of this bottomless pit that I feel I am in? I need God in my life more than ever. I need him to guide me out of this ugly path that I am in. I need Him to give me the strength to put myself together again and be righteous. I have fallen, I acknowledge that, but now that I want to pick up the pieces and go on with my life I feel like I am stuck. I am unable to move. I feel as if I can only pivot my feet, going in circles. Never actually able to take a step forward. Maybe I am living in the past. Maybe I am dwelling on insignificance. Whatever it may be that has been pulling me backward instead of pushing me forward has to end today. I need to take control of my life and let God into it. Let him come in and save me. Save me from this dark place I have not been able to get myself out of. Let me be completely happy again. Let me be myself again because I am not myself. I haven’t been for several years now and I refuse for this person that has taken over me to be me. I lay here and reflect. What if I am not yet wrecked ? What if I just feel that I am broken. I feel that I cannot help myself right now but one day soon I can. What if He did wreck my plans right before I was going to be broken. What if I am who I need to be. What if I am not someone else. What if I am me. What if I’ve changed? And I will never be who I was before. The thought alone kills me. 

One of those nights,..

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betrayal, changes, heartache, heartbreak, ive changed, life, lonely, love, loyal, miss, miss the old me, missing, one of those nights, sad

I’ve changed. If you knew me in the years before you know I’ve changed. It’s clearly visible. I’m a different person than I was before. I’m a different person and I wish I could go back to who I was then. I wish I could be myself again because I feel like I am not myself anymore. I feel trapped, trapped in my own body but with a different soul. With a different heart. With a different mind. I’ve changed and I wish I was myself again. I miss her. The old me..