Are you there God ? It’s Me Jesica. Yea I know I only come looking for you when I absolutely need you but I want you to know that you’re always on my mind. Always in my heart. I wish it was a mutual feeling. I don’t feel like I’m always on your mind or in your heart. Sometimes I feel betrayed. I feel like you are listening to others but you are ignoring me. I pray and pray for everything to be okay and it is okay don’t get me wrong but the things that matter most to me, the things that I have prayed to be okay to be perfect. Don’t always end up that way. Yes you have blessed me with a lovely marriage. With a beautiful husband who loves me for me. For who I am. Who I have become throughout these past 9 years of us knowing each other. And I am so very grateful. I love him with all of my heart. I love YOU with All of my heart. Why do you give me the gift of life and then you selfishly took it away from me. Took him or her,.. Whom I loved so much since the day I knew I was going to be a mother. You let me have a small taste of maternity, of motherhood. Then you took MY child from me. In a matter of seconds I knew what what it was to lose someone. To lose something that has been greatly anticipated, loved, cherish, but most of all wanted. & you know, you know I wanted this so bad. I yearned and still yearn for it. I want to be a mother I want to have a child. But you ripped it from me. Why? Why did this have to happen to me ? I would be about 8 months by now. Yet, I don’t have that growing belly I so desperately desired. Why ? I sometimes wonder, is this a test? Could it be? Is God testing me? You see, when I became pregnant in March, my aunt also became pregnant. We were only one week apart, my due date was supposed to be December 27th. A day I will remember forever. Her due date is around the 23rd. I know it’s a horrible thing to say but I just can’t stand looking at her. I can’t stand the fact that I should have that belly. I should be having that baby. Me! Not her. I love her to death. I guess I just envy what she is able to have and what I do desperately want but unfortunately am not able to have right now. Whenever her baby is born, I will remember my missing child. My missing baby. Whenever her child turns one, my child could have been turning one. I sometime go crazy because I feel like I can’t deal with that anymore. I can’t deal with seeing pregnant woman. Is this normal? I don’t know. But it’s the way I feel and I wish I didn’t feel this way. But I do. Thats just it. I will never forget it. I want my baby back. we want our baby back. We’ve prayed and prayed and I hope that in the near future my prayers will be answered. But only time will tell what happens. I believe in miracles and I definitely believe In God. It’s in myself that I’m not sure I believe anymore. I find myself crying at times when I just think about my life and the things that have happened to me. I find myself being obsessed with being pregnant and getting angry when I hear that somebody is. Because God is answering their prayers, and not mine. Although, I like to think that God needed my angel to Be next to him and had different plans for me. I guess I will eventually find out, and like I said. Only time can tell.
Xoxo,
Jesica
Posted by simplyjes | Filed under Uncategorized