Tags
asshole, betrayal, bittersweet, broken, changes, confused, courage, disappointments, emptiness, God, hate, heartache, heartbreak, heartbroken, issues, lonely, love, mom, mom problems, mom struggles, moms, motherhood, my story, one of those nights, realizations, sad, sadness, sleep deprived, soul search
I don’t really know exactly what I am writing today and I don’t really know exactly what I am trying to say but I know that writing helps me not think of bad things. Bad things that could potentially change my life. I know that writing is an escape for me. It helps me digest things in a different manner than I am used to, or have been used to. I have sometimes wondered what the hell is the point of me being here? Why am I still here? If I am nothing but miserable. I cry when I am alone, and even when I am not. I am not happy. I see my son and he gives me strength on good days and some days he makes me feel worse. Is that a horrible thing to say? I do not know what my purpose in life is and I know it is not just going to be given to me on a fortune cookie but sometimes I feel like I serve no purpose. I serve no purpose at all. I am not good enough. I don’t even know what the hell I am doing with my life. What am I supposed to be doing? Why am I such a shitty person? Why do my parents hate me? Why? Why am I such a shitty parent? My mom says that my son got two shitty parents and that she feels sorry for him and the parents that God chose for him. She says I am a shitty mom, daughter, and person in general. Why did God make me this way? Why does she have to have me in her house which is everything that she did not ask for. Why does she hate me so much? Why cant I be what she wanted? I feel like I am such a disgrace to her and I believe everything that she says. Beginning with me being a horrible parent. Some days I cant even bare the idea of leaving my room, much less, the house. She does not understand me. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and not do a thing. I don’t want to clean. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to even wake up. Much less do as she says. This angers her and this is when her abuse begins. She tells me that I am ungrateful, lazy, and dirty. She says I am a horrible mother, and that my son deserves better. Why does she hate me so much? I don’t think I will ever understand her and she will definitely never understand me. So why does she have to be so evil towards me? I don’t think I will ever understand her logic and I know that she will never understand me. Its hard to feel and be misunderstood. Its hard to live a life feeling that you are worth nothing, to anyone. Especially to the person who is supposed to love you the most…