Tags
aa, alcohol, alcoholics, alcoholism, grateful, it will get better, love, realizations, today
I cry because I have a problem. A problem that many people don’t see, or choose not to see. A problem that I want to overcome. I was at my desk about to start on some training that is due by next week and I found myself on my phone, distracted. On my phone looking up “Alcoholic Anonymous” groups near me. I burst into tears as I sat there at my desk. Tears of confusion, sadness, pity, and embarrassment. How did I get to where I am today? What is wrong with me? I have a problem. I realized this today. Every other day I would joke about it, I would brush it off to the back of my mind and drink some more to try and forget about it. Forget about everything. But today, today was different. Today I realized that I need to get myself under control. I need to figure myself out. I need to start somewhere, I need to start today. I have a child, and for him I will do whatever it takes. Last night I put myself in a dangerous situation where I had him in the car with me after having drank a moderate amount alcohol. I thought of him while I input “Alcoholics Anonymous” into my search bar. I thought of him and only him and the mere thought that something could have happened to him last night destroys me. I was irresponsible. If something would have happened to him I would DIE. I can’t keep putting him at risk. I have to do this for him. I simply don’t matter at this point. Only he does. For him I will prove myself wrong and stop. I will become a better mother for the sake of him. How did I get to this point? How did I let myself go like this? I turned drinking into a realm of dreams. A realm where nothing bad happens and a realm where all of my problems disappeared. Little did I know, was that these problems will only get pushed back more and more with each drink, with each bottle. Little did I know that these problems would come raging at me today as I sat in front of my desk this morning. The problems eased their way back into reality. I realized that what I had was a problem. It is something that some people don’t believe in because it’s not that hard to just not drink. Realize that it is. It is extremely hard and it will eat you alive and consume you, the idea of not having another. Today I realized that I have a problem. Today I realized that I want to be sober. I need to be sober. For myself. For my child. For my family. I need to change my ways because these problems are weighing me down. I need to grab them by the neck and handle them. I need to stop pushing them back, brushing them off. There’s only so much I can do before they come and consume me. I need to get it right. Today marks the first day of the rest of my life.
I thank god for my supportive brother. I ran to the bathroom after I burst into tears at my desk and cried. I’m actually still sitting here over an hour later. Crying. I came into the bathroom to be alone but I knew I had to call someone. I called him, and although he didn’t answer right then. He called me back and I cried to him. Telling him about my problem. Telling him that I need to get through this and crying because I feel like I am alone in it. I feel like a failure. He stopped me, he supported me in every way possible. And I love him dearly for that. Because he could have easily rejected the fact that I am an alcoholic. He could have said I am crazy and that we all like to drink just cause but he don’t have a problem. He supported me and for that I am grateful.